They Don't Want to Know

I want to write, it is hard.  I am struggling right now. I have lived with abuse as long as I can remember.  I have been working on not having a relationship with my parents for the last year in a half.  I don't want to live my life being in a abusive relationship with anyone. I don't have to anymore.  This has been hard I have a older brother that sexually abused me and I told a few times growing up and it was neglected. I think it was four years ago now, I finally confronted him and he denied everything, it was and has been very painful but I also have been healing a lot in my life.  But it wasn't even an option at that point to have any sort of contact at all with him. Nor will it probably ever. 

My parents it has been harder to see how dysfunctional and hurtful their relationship has been to me.  I feel an awakening, knowing the full truth of abusive relationships can be a process.  I am at a point where I guess I am ready to know everything. Everything I felt about the way they treated me and felt about me is true. They would turn things all around and manipulate if I confronted them about their behaviours that were hurtful to me. Or say they were sorry, only when they were confronted, but then continue to repeat the same hurtful behaviours. I can't ever think of a time when my parents ever came to me first to apologize for mistreating me.

 I don't have anymore self doubt I see it and I know have come to terms that my parents are emotionally abusive.  I do know now and keep on learning their behaviour has nothing to do with me or who I am.  I am really seeing that which is feels really new to me.  They don't even know who I am, they can't do that nor could they ever.  My parents don't want to deal with their own behaviours and feelings about the abuse in our home. They don't want to get the help they need.  At one point we were able to have a relationship, at that time I believe it was when they were getting counseling. 

  I have been lied to, manipulated, I am disappointment to them, neglected, not protected at all and not treated as a daughter should be. I am a parent and as I am healing, I understanding this more and more I am appalled and shocked at just how hurtful my parents actions are and have been my whole life. 

  I know now I am free from the abuse and I probably will never have a relationship with them. But I also have been feeling depressed, sad, ... grief.  I don't have hope for the relationship between us it would take so much work on their part, counseling for a great deal of time and they don't see that is needed at all.  They still would rather have me be the scapegoat, share the blame of our family being broken with my brother who abused me.

I still am struggling a little bit with having hope that they will seek help and heal but I throughly know I can't change anyone but myself.

And I can have hope in so many others areas of my life.  My own family and friends. Love authentic, not perfect, but healthy love.  Myself, I can have hope for myself and my own life. Other people who are healing, compassionate, honest, vulnerable ,wonderful the world is still full of them.  I still believe.

This is my own life now.