2013 is here now and all I can do is ponder. I really want to give a 'shout-out' to Mike with 'Surviving Spirits' for sharing his perspective and life-journey in his recent posting regarding the holidays. I needed that reminder...that I am not alone in this struggle of not hating myself for hating myself and loving myself for not hating myself and on and on. But, it is so true that survivors of abuse have such a unique and extraordinary perspective about 'the life-journey' and everyone has one. Today is glorious Tuesday in the Marianas Island I call my home. I am very exhausted from attending a super-early webinar due to time difference and just waiting and praising the Good Lord for giving me another wonderful easy, breazy day. I'm always surprised how much I become physically impaired from lack of sleep but I am grateful nonetheless to be here. I'm thinking about going video/youtube but still apprehensive as there would be no turning back, so to speak. Pondering....Hmmmm.... I've been thinking a lot about 'Trust' and 'Forgiveness' and how they are 2 different meanings to me and maybe a lot of other folks too. I'm so grateful for my abundance of love, health, wealth and happiness.
It is now January 23, 2013 and I am at the end of my lunch break and just found out about Jenny's orange cat, Winston had passed away and I'm so sorry, Jenny. Please know I'm sending you lots of LOVE right now and that it's okay to be sad and feel whatever you feel. I know Winston is in Kitty Heaven purring and chillin on top of a cloud watchin over you now. So, keep your head up and know you mean so much to me and forever will.
Okay, so this posting is an accumulation of 3 different days of entries as I was indecisive on if I shoud post what I wrote thus far. FACT: I'm a survivor of years of child sexual abuse from multiple male family members: my father's father and a bunch of uncles and, hell-fuckin-yes/ungan!...I will include their wives and other family members too because I KNOW they knew and didn't do shit. So, fuck them! Fuck that! I'm brushing my shoulders off, yet again and every other day I'm given because I'm a survivor....!!! FACT: Some days and even nights, I don't feel like I'm a survivor and want to just want to end it all BUT...I know this too shall pass and fade away into the light within my spirit. Mine. Spirit. My own spirit. Essence. Uniqueness. Powerful power of the Greatest Life-Giving-Force that I belong to. I come from there and here. And I am not alone. Sometimes I feel alone. Very alone. And fear is just a next door neighbor to us all says, Father Time to the Grim Reaps. But, I choose to be closer to the FACT that I am a survivor. They say Love is in Pain. Fear is in Hope. Duality continues to blow my mind. I am "Thunder Perfect Mind." Before the abuse. Before transgenderism. Before even my own innocence even though it lasted for only the first 3 years of my life. Sorry, I'm O.C.D.--and don't know if I spelled innocence right but what-the-fuck-ever. Spelled that one right. I'm at work and I loading up on coffee so, I figure I'll let go and just write what's been on my mind that's been marinating for months--years even!
Oh, I'm also listening to Ben Howard's, "The Fear" song which I just heard driving to work this morning so, BONUS! I love music and I'm grateful for having the gift to write, play instruments and sing my own songs. Yes/Ungan, I am a musician. I am an activist but I think anyone who has known suffering and carrying scars from inhumanities and still choosing to live is an activist and my family. Big PROPS & LOVE to you, Lovie-Moonz aka, "Cycle of Healing" for being supportive and compassionate and for listening and giving me an outlet to heal... I am very grateful for you, Tootsie-Moonz 'cuz some folks who live in different other countries don't have this. We are all very fortunate to have each other. I consider myself in between the dualness of it all. Damn right, there's 2 sides to everything, every story, every fucking struggle and every small victory.
I have a sister with a mental illness: autism and schizophrenia to be exact. I was told by my mom that she is and will be my salvation and in many ways this has been and is true. When I've felt like ending it all, she is the one I think of and the only one that keeps me from hopelessness. It's just my sister and I in our family so, I am the only one she has after my parents physically leave this world. But, it goes both ways. She is the only one "I" have after my parents are long gone. Ungan/Yes, I have a few good friends too but in island-culture, family literally is 'everything.'
I moved back home to my island in the Marianas about 5 years ago to be with my family after a 15 years of living half in the mid-west (Wisconsin/Minnesota) and the other half in The Bay Area aka, "Oakland/SF." I'm a survivor and deal with having lots of emotional scars that surface in my life 'til this day. I have so much to write and say and sing and write and have noticed more and more that my physical shell has limitations and time is still ticking. We are, after all, constantly living and dieing in our life-journey. Everyday, every fucking second is no gaurantee. O.C.D. sorry, if I mispelled gaurantee but can you blame me? That and the word, restaurante just perplexes me. Oh, shit! I don't know if I spelled perplexes righ either. Sorry. Anyway, I'm all over the place and I know you and I "Tootsie-Moonz" are known to have 'lack of memory and time' is the norm for us. I know it was how we were able to protect ourselves from the trauma, heal and move on. I don't remember much of my childhood because most of it was raged-filled, chaotic and traumatizing. Scars heal but that doesn't mean they completely go away. Being a survivor is being able to live with the scars. My MC name is "Scarletto" and I'm proud to write that I was able to produce a double-disc-album entitled, "Scarletto--Who Am I?" I'd like to give you an originally signed copy of my album, if you'd like and just email me your Mailing address at firstname.lastname@example.org. This album is my foundation as an artist. It was produced in 2006 but some of the songs are still relevant. The first cd is a folk cd and the second cd is a queer-hip-hop cd. Yes/Ungan, I used to be a folk-singer and still am but now I do more of a hip-hop genre of music, queer-style, of course! Queer used to be a derogatory word but I've reclaimed it to be a positive word. Nature is hella queer and we are alive because of Mother Nature's Queer-Sustaining Womb/Earth. My opinion. I respect if you disagree, "Tootsie-Moonz" but we all came from a vagina. And the Vagina spits out penis or hermaphroditic living and lovable persons since ever since. That's right, patriarchy and sexist motha-fuffalerz! Your dick came out of a vagina! So there! *deep exhale* I had to get that out of my system and now I feel much better. I'd like to produce another album and have written a number of songs already that I want to share with you and the world but I need your help, "Tootsie-Moonz." Power in Numbers is where it's at that's why knowledge (and anything else for that matter) ain't shit if it can't be shared.
I don't know why I didn't think about doing this but like I wrote--memory and time can be challenging for me (for us) but I'm opening up to you my brothers and sisters of "Cycle of Healing" aka, my beautiful and brilliant "Tootsie-Moonz!" That's my pseudonym for "Cycle of Healing" and I hope that's okay but it's my way of being closer to you as my second family because that's just how I sushi-roll. I know you understand that the saying, 'blood is thicker than water' is simply not true for many of us. But, it's all good because love is abundant and has many ways of being, flavors, colors, dimensions, abilities. It's what keeps my blood pumping, my head on my shoulders (O.C.D. and all). We're all going to die someday/night so, why not?...live and be happy with abundance of love, health and wealth EVEN WITH my scars. I'm thinking about doing 'youtube' but very apprehensive as it could compromise my work, my family, my fucking life. But, fear is the opposite of love. And there is love in pain. More to come and ungan/yes, I've just gotten started. I'm always writing songs in my head, thinking of great band names, focusing on the wonderful loving memories I've shared with other survivors and lovers of lovers and, of course, keeping the devil in its place and not in my core. I am a survivor who has learned to live with my scars. I've forgiven but I did not and will not ever forget. After all, what good is it being a survivor if you've forgotten what you survived? *smile* As if that's even possible. Maybe though but not for me. I still remember and have made peace with that but making peace with my scars is and never was 'pretty' so to speak/write. Unconditional love is far from 'pretty.' Loving someone is not always giving and giving and giving. It is both giving AND receiving. And sometimes it is meant to not give at all.
FACT: I love you, "Tootsie-Moonz" aka, "Cycle of Healing" brother and sisters. Please know you mean life to me, the walking-living-dead. You are the reason I see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are the reason I can turn away (even if but for just a brief time) from looking into the Abyss I've allowed to look too far into me. You are the reason why I can still ask why and know the answer will always be rhetorically unanswered...at least for now. I'm grateful to be alive and continue to share my life journey with you and know we've found peace and goodness together regardless of our scars, lack of memory and mispellings, queerious quorks, loved losses and rebirths, etc. I gotta get back to work now but I THANK YOU for taking time to breathe with me.
FICTION: Survivors are weakminded and/or weakhearted.
FUCK THAT! WE, SURVIVORS, ARE THE FEARLESS ONES WHEN SHIT GOES DOWN BECAUSE LIKE THE MUSICIANS IN THE 'TITANIC' -- WE SAID, 'FUCK IT! THE SHIP IS LIFE AND IT'S ALWAYS BEEN SINKING AND DESPITE IT ALL, WE AIN'T GOING DOWN SILENT. WE'RE GONNA KEEP SINGING OUR SONG AND LET HEAVEN KNOW WE'RE COMING HOME.'