Sunday, January 13, 2013

Why Is It So Easy for People to Leave Me?

 Posted at Kate Is Rising
 
I don't understand why it is so easy for people to leave me. I've been going through that all of my life. Most people in my life didn't even want me. It was hard to find someone who wanted me. I don't think that I was ever wanted as a friend until high school and even then those were very small relationships, due to the restrictions from my home life.
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Life as an adult has been just as hard. So often I would have a friend for a year or two and then they would just fade out of my life, exactly like they were going on a trip and left me behind.

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I started classifying others as work friends, college friends, Reiki friends, volunteer friends (people I met through volunteering) to signify where I met them, because I needed to remind myself that they might not be around in my life beyond a job move, a college class, a Reiki class or a volunteer project. I needed to remind myself, because it was so often true and really hurt my heart when it happened. I don't think that it has ever stopped hurting.
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Being online was difficult for me for so many years, while trying to connect to others. Being on message boards and email groups I found it very difficult to find friends. It was fine if I was content to just give and give, but if I needed something I found it hard to connect to one who would want to be there for me, even to answering one of my posts or giving me support. I could have interactions with a hundred people on average before I found a friend. So many of those have just disappeared. Am I the ghost or are they? Do I sometimes disappear from others lives as well? Yeah I guess I do when they have wounded me beyond words or explanations. Am I doing that to others?
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Finally when I started blogging I really started to meet people who I felt I was connecting to. Each time a blog friend shuts down their blog it hurts me so bad. They are just gone. I know it is not about me. But it feels so sad to me, it is so personal to me. The loss seems so huge.
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Each time someone is very busy or dealing with their own stuff, I am saddened by another loss, a wish that there was hope of a friendship, more interactions, a stronger connection . I realize everyone has their own life, their own work, their own struggles, their own unhealed stuff, and their own need for their own healings, but I wish for more.
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I wish that I didn't need others. I wish that I wasn't an extrovert. I wish that I didn't love others. I wish that I was better at all this than I am. I wish that this was all so much easier for me than it is, cause it all hurts so bad.
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I know that doesn't solve anything, but sometimes I wish I wasn't me so that it could be easier. This was the fondest wish and the major desire in my life, to be someone else. It's only been a couple of years that I haven't done that and instead was able to be in my own mind, my own body, my own self. I don't think I'm doing so good at that right now, because I'm wishing to be someone else who has it so much easier. 
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Sometimes my own stuff gets in the way of reaching out to support others and getting more support. It's  been really bad this past year. My health is really getting in the way of everything. I really really hate that all so much.
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I end up wondering why it is so easy for others to leave me.
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3 comments:

  1. I wish I didn't relate to so much of what you have written, but I am thankful that I am not alone. You word things very well Kate. Thank you for posting this.

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  2. Hi Eve,

    Thank you so much for your reply. I was in a very sad place for a while, but I was able to feel better in a few days, even though I was not able to make things better right away. It is the connections to other survivors that mean so much to me and that sustain me and help me to think more positively and to work on healing. Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so much.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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  3. Hi Kate-
    As a child I had a very hard time finding friends. It seemed as if I would make a friend, she was nice for awhile and then would find another friend and gang up on me and make fun of me.it was because I was different- i over heard some other person in my 6th grade class, at the time ask another "Do you like Claudia?" and she would respond "She's okay I guess but she is very weird." i heard or ran upon comments of that sort about myself so much as a child! As an adult, however, many more people are drawn to me and even respect and admire me- people still label me as different but they like that about me. it seems that children don't understand other children who are unusual or different and tease them mercilessly but often adults admire and respect people who are different. I still don't have tons of friends but am okay with that because I have come to like myself and my own company. The friends I do have I am very close to. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was about 13 or 14 and I never said a word to anyone back in those days. I lived in a fabricated world with made up people. I would sit in my room all summer long talking to these made up people and live in my made up world. I have been in therapy for nearly 45 years and have learned a lot about myself and even about other people. My parents who neglected or abused me as a child both died of cancer when I was about 36 (I am 57 yrs old now)
    The most important think I believe I have learned is to like and appreciate myself and my own company. I guess that is why I rarely get lonely now. I think more people are more comfortable around me anyways for that very reason. You sound like a nice person Kate. And like Eve says, you word things very well. My childhood was difficult because I was the one who was picked on and teased so much a lot of the time. But now I figure that if someone is unkind, they have the problem, not me.

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